How to find the right coach as a woman in tech

I first heard about coaching at work. My line manager was in the C suite, and they had their own coach.

So I asked about it. And they were really open with me. They told me how their coach had supported them through some really tricky stages in the business, and what a massive impact it had had. They'd been able to face things they hadn't managed to get past before at work, and it was having a really positive impact on their personal life too.

And I thought, I want a bit of this.

So I asked for coaching through the company. The answer I got was, "it's too expensive." Well, for my level anyway. It seemed to be saved for the C suite.

I walked away a bit deflated, but also really sure that was exactly what I needed. My managers over the years were brilliant, but they were always busy, and their focus was on landing the next initiative or getting the next release out of the door. Fair enough, that was their job. But it meant nobody was helping me step back and think about what was important, what was next, and how I could keep performing without it all catching up with me.

And in tech that step back just doesn't happen on its own. There's never really a moment to stop and properly think about where you're heading. And not just your goals for the next six months, but what it is you actually want. Not what your boss or the company wants, but what YOU want for your own development, and what's next.

The years I spent going round in circles

About a year later, still no coach, and things had been piling up higher and higher. I'd spent the COVID years in digital, where it felt like every bit of transformation happened all at once, and at the same time I had a tiny baby at home. Keeping up with the changes at work and in my personal life, on the amount of sleep that comes with a newborn, was a lot. I really needed that support.

So I went looking for a coach again. And this time, if work wasn't going to pay for it, I was prepared to invest in it myself.

I knew I wanted someone who'd look at the whole of me, not just the bit that turns up to work. I don't stop being me when I open my laptop, and what was going on at work and at home was so tangled up that it didn't make sense to look at one without the other.

Yes, I'm a mum and my family really matters to me. But work is still a big part of who I am and what drives me.

What I didn't expect was how long it would take. Years, actually. I'd start looking, land on a few coaching websites, and stop. Then a few weeks later I'd start again. And the websites I was looking at would be all about "get your next breakthrough", "discover a brand new you", "a healing", "an awakening", and then quite often a book to buy at the end of it.

For me, that approach just didn't work. I knew it was going to take a lot more than "manifesting" myself into change.

In the end it got to the point where I knew that if I didn't do something about it now, I was heading for burnout. So I got really focused on finding a coach. Here are the things I picked up along the way. See it as a cheat sheet for finding the right coach as a woman in tech, digital or running your own business. These are the things I wish I'd known at the start.

1. Anyone can call themselves a coach, so check their credentials

One big realisation I had, and I only spotted it because I went digging, is that anyone in the UK can call themselves a coach. It isn't a protected title, and it's really easy for coaching to get mixed up with the wider wellness world. So checking credentials matters more than most people realise.

When the ICF, the biggest professional body for coaches, ran its 2022 Global Consumer Awareness Study, 85% of coaching clients said it was important, or very important, that their coach held a proper credential. And people whose coach was credentialed were twice as likely to say they were very satisfied with their coaching.

So look for ICF (ACC, PCC or MCC), EMCC or the Association for Coaching. You can search ICF coaches on the ICF Credentialed Coach Finder.

It's also worth knowing there are different types of coaching. Some coaches are more like career coaches, helping you get from A to B. Others bring in things like neuroscience or counselling skills.

For me, I'm a transformational coach, trained with Animas, and I'm an ICF Associate Certified Coach (ACC). Being a transformational coach, and having one myself, is important to me because it looks at the psychology behind what's going on, the beliefs and patterns that keep you stuck. Then it looks forward, at who you want to be and what you want next, so the change lasts well beyond the one goal you came in with. I've got Level 3 in counselling skills and I'm a trainee therapist, so I'm comfortable when family, relationship dynamics, or feelings around confidence and anxiety come up. And I work to the ICF Code of Ethics, which means confidentiality, and always being honest with clients if something needs more support than coaching can give.

2. The relationship matters as much as the training

But the qualifications are only half of it. Erik de Haan is one of the best known researchers in coaching. He's a professor who has spent years studying what actually makes coaching work. He and his colleagues looked at nearly 1,900 coaching relationships across 34 countries, and found that the stronger the working relationship between coach and client, the more effective the coaching was. In other words, the relationship you have with your coach has a real effect on whether you get what you came for. Which, if you've ever sat through a session with someone you just didn't click with, probably won't surprise you.

That's why it's really important to have an intro call, so you can get a sense of that relationship before you commit. When you're on it, notice how it feels. Could you say the difficult stuff out loud to them? Do you come off the call feeling properly listened to? Did you get a feel for who they are as a person, not just what they do? And if anything didn't quite sit right, did you feel comfortable enough to ask them about it there and then?

3. Someone who gets your world

They don't have to be exactly like you to get you. But having someone in the room who has lived through similar experiences can be really helpful in understanding what you're going through. That might be your industry, but it could also be your background, your culture, or what it's like juggling work and family. In tech and digital, for example, it could be not having to explain why everything gets pressured around certain times of the year, the challenges that come with the hierarchy, or what it's like being the only woman speaking up in a male dominated room.

When I found my coach, they just naturally got me. They understood my environment, they really listened, and they understood how important this was to me. And when things changed around me, which in tech they always do, they could pivot the coaching when I needed them to.

It's a big part of why I coach the way I do now. Before coaching I spent over 15 years in senior leadership in digital and tech, building teams and divisions and coaching people internally, and later doing all of that while raising a baby. Then I went on to build my own business. So I know the always on bit from the inside, and it's a lot of what the women I coach bring into the room too.

4. Someone who will challenge you and help you see things differently

Someone who just agrees with everything you say isn't going to help you see anything new. A good coach shouldn't be afraid to point things out, and should be able to give you different ways of looking at things you can't see on your own.

It's also important that it feels like a partnership. With my coach, if a session wasn't going in the direction I needed, or something they'd said didn't quite land, I could say so. I could tell them, "actually, I think it's more about this than that," and they'd be open to exploring that with me.

Because coaches aren't there to tell you what to do. They're there to help you get to your own insights, and those are the ones you're far more likely to act on and carry forward.

5. Someone who gets your personality

Coaching doesn't have to be serious all the time. I don't always take myself that seriously, and my coach got that. Some sessions were genuinely fun. I'd bring something in and we'd end up laughing at the situation, and how ridiculous it can all be sometimes. And we'd still get somewhere with it. It felt like there was still time to be me.

Other sessions were hard. And in those ones they held a really safe space for me. When tricky things were happening around me, I felt properly listened to.

But fun or hard, we'd still come away with concrete actions towards my next goals. So yes, we could have a laugh, and yes, I felt listened to, but I was also getting closer to where I wanted to be.

6. Someone who works with all of you, not a template

There are lots of coaches out there offering group sessions, online courses and worksheets to download. And some support is always better than none, so they can absolutely be a good place to start.

But if you want a deeper level of support, and to really see results, look for coaching that's one to one and built around you. Your history and beliefs are yours alone, and a good coach will work with everything you bring into the room. Your career, your personal life or both, and you get to decide what you focus on.

That's what I had. I wasn't a template, session one to session ten. It was so much more than that.

Just to say, this is what worked for me, and it isn't an exhaustive list. It's a good place to start, but take some proper time to think about what's important to you before you go into a coaching relationship. What you need might look a little different to someone else, and that's fine.

There are a few other things worth thinking about too.

If work won't pay for it

Some companies do invest in coaching for their people, and if yours does, grab it. But if they don't, and mine didn't, think of it as an investment in you rather than a cost. I paid for mine myself, and it's honestly the best thing I've ever spent money on. It changed my life, at work and outside it.

Right person, wrong time

Sometimes you'll find someone you really like and it still won't be the right moment, and that's ok. Coaching asks something of you. There's the hour itself, and then the time in between sessions to actually try things out and make the changes. If you can't give it that right now, you can always come back to it when the timing's right for you.

Questions you might have

It might be worth making a note of these for when you're looking for a coach, or heading into an intro call.

What qualifications should a coach have?

A credential from a recognised professional body, like the ICF (ACC, PCC or MCC), the EMCC or the Association for Coaching. It means they've been properly trained and work to a code of ethics.

How do I know if a coach is right for me?

Book a free intro call and see how it feels. Do they get your world, will they challenge you, and could you say the difficult stuff out loud to them?

What should I ask on an intro call?

Ask how they work, what a session looks like, how many they suggest, what it costs, and what happens if something comes up that needs more than coaching. Notice whether they're curious about you before they start talking about their own programme. And have a look at what other women have said about them, in testimonials, directory profiles and LinkedIn recommendations.

How much time does coaching take?

Usually an hour a session, every couple of weeks, plus some time in between to put what comes up into practice. That in between bit is where a lot of the change happens.

Can I have coaching if my company won't pay for it?

Yes. Lots of women pay for coaching themselves, and many coaches offer payment plans.

Can I have coaching online?

Yes. Most coaching happens on Zoom now, so you can work with the right coach wherever you are. Some coaches will also meet in person, at your workplace for example, if that suits you better.

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't settle for the first coach I found. Doing that bit of work up front, checking the credentials, booking the calls, noticing how each one felt, is what meant that when I did start, it was with the right person and at the right time. And it's why most coaches, me included, have a coach of their own. It lets us see the bits of ourselves we can't see on our own.

So I'll leave you with the question I'd probably ask you on an intro call. If our coaching went really well, what would be different for you by the end of it?

Olivia